Jess: "Each milestone is a reminder of a time when I thought I wouldn’t see the next one. But then I did."
Jess reflects on 5 years since her ovarian cancer diagnosis.
Jess was diagnosed with stage 1c ovarian cancer aged 26. She previously shared the story of her diagnosis and treatment, as she was going through surgical menopause. This year marks 5 years since her diagnosis. On this milestone, Jess reflects on her fertility, her fears and how she's feeling now.
I used to miss pre-cancer me. I used to miss my fearlessness, miss my fertility and miss the part of my life that was taken away from me. But there are so many things that I’d miss so much more. I’d miss living, I’d miss being a Mummy, Daughter, Auntie and Friend and they would miss me. There’s really no comparison.
For me, have a hysterectomy was about being a Mummy now, not about future children.
There’s a part of me that will always wonder...what would that have been like? But not being here to ask those questions doesn’t bare thinking about.
I will always feel lucky to be a Mum and I’m not sure how life knew what would happen, but I’m grateful. I’m so grateful and with that I’m happy. Being grateful is being happy and that is plenty for me.
I will never be grateful for cancer, but I can be grateful for my life after cancer. I didn’t go on a journey and I certainly didn’t find myself by facing my own mortality.
I went through the worst time of my life, so did my family and friends but now we’re stronger, we communicate our appreciation for each other much more, and every hug feels like a gift.
I became strong enough to carry my daughter again, have cold drinks without gasping for breath and go outside without having to wear gloves for the neuropathic tingling in my fingers.
I wore jeans again, I dyed my hair, drove my car, built a career and started a business. Cancer and chemotherapy took those things away from me for a little while but nothing is permanent.
I’ve made changes. I’ve embraced girl power and have spice girls discos at tea time. I laugh more, we sing more, we dance everyday and empower my daughter to be strong, brave, proud and fearless.
Months pass and there’s no cancer. There are no lumps, there’s no bloating, there’s no uncomfortable pain that I can’t quite pinpoint. And suddenly a year passes and still no cancer.
There have been moments of anxiety, biopsies and scans to settle the worry but still no cancer. And life moves on.
The fear lays dormant only sleeping for now and maybe one day I’ll get some pain in my stomach, or feel bloated for a few days and it’ll rear it’s head. But those days will pass, scans will be clear and life will move on again.
Fear only sleeps, it doesn’t leave, but as time goes on it wakes less and eventually it only visits in dreams or when someone on your favourite tv show falls ill and you wonder “could that be me?”
Each milestone or anniversary is a reminder of a time when I was certain I wouldn’t see the next one. But then I did.
I look forward to days where menopause becomes less obvious and hot flushes don’t exist. Or days where those tiny bits of hair have grown back and I don’t have tufts after a blow dry. Or where I hug my Daughter and don’t think “What if..”
Those days will come and I’ll be grateful. I’ll be happy. But until then we’ll have hot chocolates on rainy days and sing Disney songs in the car and hug so tight that we could pop. And say I love you every morning, night and moment in between. And be grateful.
So if you are in the depths of scans and biopsies, recovering from surgery or even one year on from getting the “all clear”. Know that life goes on, fear shrinks, love grows and our lives change but we are still able to thrive, live and enjoy the future.
Jess has faced her own challenges with ovarian cancer but was diagnosed early at stage 1c. Unlike many in the UK, her early diagnosis gave her a better chance at surviving past 5 years.