Ann's diary: "I hope this is of use to anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation"

Spring 1993

I have decided to write this after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer on February 18th 1993.

I intend to document dates and medical information and to outline the major developments of my illness. Partly to express my own feeling about this dreadful thing, partly in the hope that something may be of use to anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation and partly for my family who I hope will gain some understanding of how I feel during the time I have left.

My dearest husband has shared all my thoughts fears and hopes throughout this time and given me the greatest love, support and understanding it is humanly possible to give.

I would like my children to know what a tower of strength he is and what a wonderful father they have.

I fell in love with John when I was still a schoolgirl, but I knew then and I know now that he is the only love of my life and that he has fulfilled me in every possible way. He is my rock and my anchor. We couldn't have achieved more in our 29 years of marriage; my only sadness is that it is to end because of this dreadful illness.

-

October 15th-21st 1992

Spent a week in Lille lots of walking and sightseeing. On returning home I noticed a lump in my groin which prompted me to think about how I was feeling generally.

When sitting quietly I had noticed sort of rumblings and flutterings in my lower abdomen along with tightening of the muscles, rather like contractions. These were sensations rather than pains and until the lump in the groin, no other physical symptoms at all.

November 10th 1992

Appointment with my doctor.

Mentioned the feeling like indigestion describing them as discomfort not pain. He did not examine my abdomen but looked at the lump and said it was an infected lymph node.

I had some new shoes in Lille and had a slight sore spot on the top of my foot where the shoe had rubbed. He prescribed a course of tetanus injections to be given over three months.

December 8th 1992

Attended clinic for my second injection and told the nurse that I wasn't satisfied with my doctor's reaction to my symptoms. By this time I was feeling very tired and drained of energy.

We had spent December 1st in London with Lindsay as she was presented with her gala award at St. James Palace. She noticed that I wasn't walking very well and was by now experiencing pain and much more discomfort.

The nurse suggested I have a second opinion. Why I didn't come to this conclusion earlier? I don't know, other than I was too tired and worried to take that decision on my own.

I had decided to have the course of injections and hope that the lymph node would disappear and trust the doctor.

At this stage, I did not tell John too much of what I was feeling as I thought they were in hand medically.

December 10th 1992

Appointment with a new doctor, he gave me an internal examination as by this time I could feel other lumps in my abdomen when I lay flat in bed.

He said he could feel fibroids and would make an appointment for me to see a gynaecologist.

I had at this point what appeared to be a spot on my belly button which was hard, very sore and tender to the touch with some infection too. The doctor prescribed some anticeptic cream of sorts - I'm not sure what.

I was feeling tired all the time and didn't feel like eating much at all. I was coming home each lunchtime just for rest and peace and quiet.

I seemed unable to take anything, just did my job in the classroom, organised the children, kept them in order and all the marking up to date. But relied on Hazel for all the heavy stuff like wall displays, moving the T.V and computer.

Without physical help, I could not have gone to work.

January 5th 1993

Third tetanus injection. Told the doctor that the cream wasn't really having an effect on the spot and that it was still sore. He prescribed some different cream and told me to bathe in warm salt water.

He checked that I had my appointment through to see the gynaecologist. I got the impression that was all he could do - and that I should just wait for the appointment on February 2nd.

I resigned myself to that fact and prepared myself for the wait.

Every evening I would lie on the couch holding a cushion near my abdomen to find relief until it was time to fill the hot water bottle and go to bed.

During this time I felt I needed a responsible adult to take over my life and tell me what was best for me.

I should have had painkillers and taken sick leave and sought more medical advice. I was too ill to make these decisions for myself or to seek any further help from anyone.

I felt hope had abandoned me on occasions, such as my father's 90th birthday celebrations on January 23rd. The journey, both up and down, was very uncomfortable as I couldn't sit without extreme discomfort and pain.

I endured it all by concentrating my mind on February 2nd.

February 2nd 1993

Had my appointment with the gynaecologist. She asked lots of questions and dates about my medical history and examined me fully. She said I needed a scan to clarify things internally.

February 11th 1993

Scan at hospital. I went on my own and found it quite upsetting in one way or another. I think it shows how low I was emotionally and unable to cope with any stress.

February 12th 1993

Phone call from Dr. Sharma to say she wanted me to have a special body X-ray on Tuesday 16th.

I was to collect a special powder from the hospital on Saturday 13th and follow the instructions carefully to prepare for the X-ray. It clears the bowels for the X-ray investigation. She also said to bring an overnight bag and be prepared to stay in hospital for an operation on Thursday 18th

After the phone call, I was very upset and experienced several emotional responses, the two main ones being fear and relief. Fear because of the speed of things and guessing that this must be serious to move so quickly. Relief because things were being done and that the waiting to know would soon be over.

February 13th 1993

Collected the powder from the hospital at 9am went directly to have my hair cut anticipating a week in hospital.

After reflecting on my feelings about the speed of the appointment I said to John if it's cancer I want to know - I really couldn't face a conspiracy of silence from those I love and the medical people.

I did what I always do in emergencies that is: be prepared for the worst but hope for the best.

February 14th 1993

Sunday we romantically went to the tip together, its our little joke between us. John always says he knows how to treat a girl.

For me it is symbolic of our love for each other, that is as long as we are together the place is of no consequence. We never needed the trappings of commercialism to express our love for one another.

We can communicate in many, many ways the simplest being through humour and looking into the laughter of the eyes.

Tuesday February 16th 1993

Attended the clinic in the morning and went directly to the hospital ward at lunchtime I had the X-rays in the afternoon.

The young man had just taken up his appointing from Lincoln hospital. He was unsure of the equipment and not all that pleasant with me and I didn't feel confident or relaxed. Not at all a pleasant experience, in fact, his attitude really upset me.

February 18th 1993

Given the injection just about lunchtime in preparation for the operation called a laparotamy which involves cutting from the belly button downwards about six inches in order to explore my problems.

John called to see me early in the evening but I was rather sleepy to remember much.

February 19th 1993

My gynaecologist came to see me at 9 am. I asked what they had managed to do for me. I could tell by her concerns that things were not straight forward, so I asked if it was what I suspected.

With this, the curtains were swished round me and she said do you think it is cancer? I said yes. Then she said, yes it's cancer. I said, oh my poor husband he will be so upset.

I added that all they could do for me would be to help me to ease out of life. She held my arm gently and I said, is there no treatment? - She said yes some.

They were unable to remove any part of my ovaries because secondary cancers had already been established and the cancerous cells had already entered the bloodstream. There was no cure for me but some respite from drugs for a short time.

The news was devastating all I wanted was to see John - as yet I didn't know he already knew.

I was moved to a private room, which was exactly what was best for me and John came almost immediately. I was still under sedation for the operation and had been given a morphine injection so this meeting was almost unreal to me.

John was very upset and I tried to comfort him but I was aware that my reactions were numbed by the effects of the drugs. I felt emotionally distanced from reality, as if I was looking on as some other person was experiencing this tragedy.

During my stay in hospital I had a wide range of emotions, the most difficult being the night time.

I would only be able to sleep for a couple of hours, then the intense feelings of loneliness would come over me. I cried, almost uncontrollably, I felt I was in a dark crevasse unable to reach anyone.

One night my cries were so loud that the night sister came running to be with me thinking I was in terrible pain. I wasn't in any physical pain, but tremendous emotional pain the most overwhelming, deep sadness I have ever experienced.

My thoughts were about having to leave my loved ones well before my time. Sad for them, having to lose a wife and mother, but sadder for myself at not having the chance to share with John the fruits of our relationship. Of not being around to see my children growing up into mature adults, develop worthwhile lives and careers, choosing life partners and, most of all, not having the chance to know my grandchildren. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to hold the next generation of our little family in my arms.

These losses make me very, very sad.

I feel cheated out of what should be everyone's birthright. Well meaning members of the hospital staff would offer advice; such as, do something you have always wanted to do, visit a place you have always wanted to go to, get all the jobs done in your house and garden that you've planned to do.

All I can respond to these ideas is to say, there is nothing in my life that I need to achieve in the short term. I have taken all the opportunities I have wanted to, the most important being marrying the man I love the most in all the world.

Together, we have filled our marriage with meaningful things, the most important being our three lovely children and the depth of experience they can bring. I have felt whole-heartedly fulfilled within my marriage, never limited by it.

John has supported me in several ventures, firstly while I was taking the three year teacher's course at the start of our life together, all the years of having and looking after the children.

Later, when I wanted to do Open University he supported me emotionally and practically during those five years. He has always been a loving supportive husband so what more could I need in the short term?

February 20th 1993

By now the horror of what was happening to me was becoming real. I asked a nurse if there was anyone who could come to council me and help me to cope. The nurse immediately contacted Freda Thompson at home on the Sunday, which impressed me very much, and told me she would come 9am Monday morning.

February 22nd 1993

Freda came and spent quite a long time with me. She offered lots of practical help by the way of booklets to read and one or two of her own books. She visited me at intervals during my stay and gave me her work and home phone number. I found her very supportive and very reliable - whenever I asked her to call at the house she has, ever at very short notice.

I've mainly needed practical help and medical information although I could have asked for more in-depth emotional support and counselling but I felt we as a family are strong enough as a unit to help one another.

April 1993

Thoughout this month I have been thinking about John and my wonderful children and experiencing such emotional pain at the thought of having to leave them years before I am ready.

I know I am a victim of this cruel disease and that I can do nothing in the long term to change the outcome. I can on occasions be philosophical about things and appreciate how good my life has been.

I don't think it would have been possible to experience anything better than loving John and making our three children together.

I do accept that it's not the length of a person's life but the quality of the experience that matter and that no one either chooses to be born or when to die.

But I still feel the pain of having to leave the job of being a wife and mother only half done.

It offends my character, my sense of perseverance to be forced to give up before I consider the commitment to manage and motherhood fully achieved.

It's like climbing only halfway up the mountain and I do so want to reach the summit and experience the sense of achievement and exhilaration knowing that you have completed what you set out to do.

I can never come to terms with that sense of leaving a life's plan half finished - another 30 years would have seen it through.

April 24th 1994

I have written three individual letters to my dearest children, trying the impossible, that is to put thirty years of relationships, I so badly want, with them, on two sides of A4.

It feels like copying the bible onto a post age stamp - it is so inadequate.

The grief I feel for the loss of sharing with their future is too much to bear, no amount of tears can ease my sadness.

I know they are all well equipped to cope with adult life, they are confident well rounded people and sure to make strong individual paths in life. But I so want to share with John the next blossoming stage of the three lives we so lovingly created together.

It doesn't seem too ambitious or unrealistic to want that does it? Why I am being taken from my loved ones so soon I can't imagine.

There is no way I could ever consider this would be my fate. I seemed to come from such strong stock and have had a healthy life free from serious illness until being struck down in my prime without a second chance.

From day one after the operation I have known the awful truth of my destiny, the only uncertain thing to the little amount of time I'll have to say my goodbyes.